Not available in the way that matters....Truth, yeah. Is it wrong of me to enjoy having her around, to enjoy the long conversations, the silly names, the hugs, the dumb arguements on anything, the pictures, the smiles, the laughs anything and everything. The way I can go to her whenever, call her and know that she'd be there if she could and if she can't she'd find some way to lend me her support. She's fiesty, confident (don't tell her I said so) smart, curious and just plain out overflowing with positive energy. An aura that just wipes the bad from life and makes everything seem sweet for a while. She's got that effect on me, to make me smile or guilt trip me into feeling better. I love her straightforward attitude. Tell me like it is and she lets me have it! Its wild! And you'd think I was talking about my girlfriend... naw just my smuckums lol. A friend worth more than any friend could ever possibly be worth and yeah seems like I'm pretty fond of her maybe too much so, a little too comfortable around her, a little too attracted not that I'm complaining or anything. Its cool with me except that I'm not gonna be available to her in the way that matters, not for a while anyways and its unfair of me to have her here like that knowing that I can't give of myself wholly and solely cause I'm still back there. Don't know if I'll come out and I don't know if I want to get out but I like being happy. I like having fun and being free and uninhibited, me. I'm a free spirit and she can always manage to set that spirit free. Smuckums lol a sweet heart.

She's not mine and I'm not hers, not in so many words but what we have, the undefined, inexplicable something we have... It's I dunno. It just is. lol. So why don't we just hook up you ask? I've got a girl friend.

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings
Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin
This plan of mine is oh so very lame
Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

You left, I died,
I went and you cried
You came, I think
But I never really know
I've served my time
I've watched you climb
the wrong incline
But what do I know

Accept it, Don't let it
Turn the screw
Accept it, And let it
Scream back at you

Now this applies both equally to you and I
The only thing we share
is the same sky
These empty metaphors
they're all in vain
Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

In the garden Snake was a charmin'
And Eve said let's give it a try
Now lead us not into temptation
But no matter how hard I try
When in the garden and
Snake is a charmin'
And Eve says let's give it a try
Eve is the apple of my eye

And I lie behind you
And I cradle you in the palm of me
And I pat your hair down
I think will we sink or swim?
'Cause we could do either or none
-'Eve, the apple of my eye" Bell X1

thats them... the song... it epitomizes them...i think i'm going to let them be...quit bein a homewrecker... Eve is the apple of his eye...

There's something bout the way you looked at me...
made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be.......living our lives separately
and it's strange cause things change but not me wanting you...
....so desperately
-"So desperately" Michelle Branch

*********

de·sire n.

1. A wish or longing.
2. A request or petition.
3. The object of longing: My greatest desire is to go back home.
4. Sexual appetite; passion.

*********

I would love to start from the beginning... but that would be quite a formidable feat in its own right. The beginnings of that friendship were anything but under "normal" circumstances. I mean, one does have to take the reason for introductions into consideration. Since when is one girl trying to slide a guy off on to another girl the most pleasant of introductions...

Anyways, that was a year ago. The more important question is how did this happen? That i can't answer.

Recently we started talking back, through drama and mere coincidental meetings. Ok, i'm lying... I actually liked "wifey" status and timed it to make sure i'm heading for my law class around the time his class finished, but he doesn't need to know that right? Ofcourse, all this was safe... all fun and games with a friend.

Next thing, in the past couple months it just becomes something... huge. The friendship blossomed quickly into more than mere acquaintances... more than just friends even.

And now... desire comes into play....

I can't help myself sometimes... i have to mentally slap my wrist away from touching him sometimes... and slap my hand from calling him... and slap my brain from thinking about him...

I just watched a picture of the two of us hugging... I stared at it straight for like 5 minutes, and drifted off into that moment. I could've felt his arms around me... we almost look like we're clutching for dear life. Hmm... In all honestly, i like being held by him.

I've already said "screw it" and live in the moment... right now, i'm happy. While i may not leave this picture unscathed... i'm a tough girl... i'll heal my battle scars quickly ... Besides... I'll have the memory that i was happy, and i lived through happy moments to be played back as memories... for however long or short, that may very well be...

Won't you smile alot for me...? Just... smile...

*********

Here's the catch... he has a girlfriend. Practically engaged.

Yea... hmmm... but that doesn't stop me from... wanting him...
...so ... desperately

-I keep giving in... and i should know better... but there is something about the way you look at me... its strange how things change... but....

*sigh*