I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
-Mariah 'Against all odds'


You call yesterday... to basically say
That you care for me.... but that you're just not in love
Immediately... I pretended to feel... similary
And led you to believe... I was O.K.
To just walk away from the thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Well I guess I'm trying to be... nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove... I'm fine without you
But in reality... I'm slowly... loosing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile... gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel... and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal... that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise... 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights... and then... break down and cry
"Break down" Mariah

*sigh*

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
-'Iris' Goo Goo Dolls

*********

We went to the beach today. Lots of hugs and kisses. Yummy. It was a full moon out. We sat on the jetty on the beach... we spoke a bit... reached some middle ground.

I say the wrong things sometimes... I react too much sometimes... i need to curb some of that reaction. Just as he says unintentional things that cut sometimes, i do the same - probably more than i realize.

More so... i just over react.

Dad basically gave his consent. Shelli is very pleased. I feel wonderful to know that a parent if not both (yet... cuz mom doesn't know yet officially) knows about "us" and has green lighted it. It doesn't feel like a guilty pleasure... One of my issues was that someone might tell my parents about me and him, before they found out from me... now that they know - i don't care what the public thinks anymore. My parents think we're dating - then we're gonna do things that people who are dating do.

It's that one thing ... you did... that got me trippin
don't wanna tell you what it is.. *wink* oh wait.. thats so serious
its this one thing that got me slippin..
hear voices.. i don't wanna understand

All is well in my existence. There is inner peace once more inside my soul. And i feel deliriously happy once more... I wuv my daddy.

*big smile*
*hugs russo*

And then.... he kissed me

I'm such a girl.

They broke up, and i actually don't know what to think. Truth be told, i want him. For me. But more truth, i could be wrong. I'm a professional when it comes to denial.

But he kissed me.. or i kissed him... or we kissed each other. I can't explain it. It doesn't matter who kissed whom right? ugh... i can't describe the kiss... but i enjoyed it... and it's well in my memory... well the kissES are well in my memory...

Dammit. I want more kisses. I'm feeling particularly greedy. I shouldn't, i know that... he needs time... *slaps wrist away* give him time... do i want him? Or a shell of him...? Or him any way i could get him? ...Or do i really want him him?

He's such a darling.... he's such a good kisser, and i know that he'll agree... He's such a great listener... he's such a good friend... he's taller than i am... older than i am... a cutie pie... he can pick me up ^^*.... he's very intelligent, and indulges in my petty arguements... he's very respectful.. and honest... and caring.. and sinscere.. he's a darling... he can piss me off like no other, and make me forget about it so easily... I mean i like being upset and all.. but i really don't document the technicalities of the event for daily purposes - only if a situation warrants such do go into the archives... enough retrogressing.. he generally has the best intentions...

yea yea yea.. *sighs wistfully*

I guess i should stand by my initial statement, i'm not the girl he's meant to be with, i'm just the girl that was to show him what was missing.

*sigh* I do adore him dearly though... hence lies the problem.. my weakness is that i care too much.

I plead confusion. I rather stay and wallow in whatever this is, because there are good moments for the most... and he won't be in love forever. Wait.. that sounds insensitive.. Essentially, i stay because i'm being hopeful - something fruitful will come out of this, my efforts will not have been all in vain.

I'm sure if i realize its better off just friends. Then we can both take immediate steps to fix it.. and we could if we really wanted to - but i don't wanna.

*********

The caring, humanitarian thoughts of Aquarius will find a willing home with Gemini. Uranus, the ruling planet of Aquarius, is full of surprises and sudden changes. This will suit the Gemini perfectly. There will be plenty of none stop variety to afford the stimulation that Gemini needs for its dual personality.

Geminis are always looking for surprises and the Aquarian can readily supply them. A warning bell here though, .. When the Aquarian mate wants to be alone, Gemini should not be offended. This is only a passing condition and will soon disappear. At times the Aquarian most have time alone. (No offense Gemini!)

*********

Gemini Woman & Aquarius Man

At last! A girl the Aquarian doesn't mind chasing and a woman who can keep up with the Gemini. Intellectually very well matched, but no staying power in life's little chores. One of the better combinations, but pity the houseplants! (Source: AquarianAge Romance )

This is tied with Libra as the number one soulmate match for you. You can find true love and happiness with an Aquarius boy. You share many things in common, including an adventurous streak and an unpredictable nature. You love to be spontaneous and he hates making plans, which works out perfectly! Bonus: the physical chemistry between you will just grow and grow the longer you are together. You will bring out the best in each other’s personalities. A terrific love match. ( Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide )

Gemini girl and Aquarius boy have the potential to create a relationship worthy of the Big Screen. You're both eerily in tune with each other, even when your not in the same place at the same time. Your Aquarian is inspired and moved by you, and the feeling is mutual. ( Source: FUNgirl - Astrology )

*********

Breezy and fascinating at all times --- nobody will do the housework but life will be fun. (Source: AquarianAge Romance )

For Gemini: Super alliance, you are both original and like variety. This makes for a fun loving couple. This is not always a lasting union but it is certainly worth pursuing. ( Source: Love Test )

For Aquarius: This is a delightful, intellectually stimulating relationship. Not always smooth but certainly an exciting and entertaining connection. ( Source: Love Test )

Get along great. In marriage they are friends more than lovers. A great pairing with a lot in common and a lot of understanding which Gemini needs. Both are unpredictable which could cause some tensions but they can work that out. Aquarius loves Gemini’s wit and good cheer. Even if the affair should end they will still remain friends. A love pairing. ( Source: Astrology Fun )

*********

hmmm....

out...

i just adore him so much....

*rests hand in cheek*

and i miss him too....

heh... i hope i don't start annoying him soon... must curb my urges... must practice restraint..

Not available in the way that matters....Truth, yeah. Is it wrong of me to enjoy having her around, to enjoy the long conversations, the silly names, the hugs, the dumb arguements on anything, the pictures, the smiles, the laughs anything and everything. The way I can go to her whenever, call her and know that she'd be there if she could and if she can't she'd find some way to lend me her support. She's fiesty, confident (don't tell her I said so) smart, curious and just plain out overflowing with positive energy. An aura that just wipes the bad from life and makes everything seem sweet for a while. She's got that effect on me, to make me smile or guilt trip me into feeling better. I love her straightforward attitude. Tell me like it is and she lets me have it! Its wild! And you'd think I was talking about my girlfriend... naw just my smuckums lol. A friend worth more than any friend could ever possibly be worth and yeah seems like I'm pretty fond of her maybe too much so, a little too comfortable around her, a little too attracted not that I'm complaining or anything. Its cool with me except that I'm not gonna be available to her in the way that matters, not for a while anyways and its unfair of me to have her here like that knowing that I can't give of myself wholly and solely cause I'm still back there. Don't know if I'll come out and I don't know if I want to get out but I like being happy. I like having fun and being free and uninhibited, me. I'm a free spirit and she can always manage to set that spirit free. Smuckums lol a sweet heart.

She's not mine and I'm not hers, not in so many words but what we have, the undefined, inexplicable something we have... It's I dunno. It just is. lol. So why don't we just hook up you ask? I've got a girl friend.

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings
Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin
This plan of mine is oh so very lame
Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

You left, I died,
I went and you cried
You came, I think
But I never really know
I've served my time
I've watched you climb
the wrong incline
But what do I know

Accept it, Don't let it
Turn the screw
Accept it, And let it
Scream back at you

Now this applies both equally to you and I
The only thing we share
is the same sky
These empty metaphors
they're all in vain
Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

In the garden Snake was a charmin'
And Eve said let's give it a try
Now lead us not into temptation
But no matter how hard I try
When in the garden and
Snake is a charmin'
And Eve says let's give it a try
Eve is the apple of my eye

And I lie behind you
And I cradle you in the palm of me
And I pat your hair down
I think will we sink or swim?
'Cause we could do either or none
-'Eve, the apple of my eye" Bell X1

thats them... the song... it epitomizes them...i think i'm going to let them be...quit bein a homewrecker... Eve is the apple of his eye...

There's something bout the way you looked at me...
made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be.......living our lives separately
and it's strange cause things change but not me wanting you...
....so desperately
-"So desperately" Michelle Branch

*********

de·sire n.

1. A wish or longing.
2. A request or petition.
3. The object of longing: My greatest desire is to go back home.
4. Sexual appetite; passion.

*********

I would love to start from the beginning... but that would be quite a formidable feat in its own right. The beginnings of that friendship were anything but under "normal" circumstances. I mean, one does have to take the reason for introductions into consideration. Since when is one girl trying to slide a guy off on to another girl the most pleasant of introductions...

Anyways, that was a year ago. The more important question is how did this happen? That i can't answer.

Recently we started talking back, through drama and mere coincidental meetings. Ok, i'm lying... I actually liked "wifey" status and timed it to make sure i'm heading for my law class around the time his class finished, but he doesn't need to know that right? Ofcourse, all this was safe... all fun and games with a friend.

Next thing, in the past couple months it just becomes something... huge. The friendship blossomed quickly into more than mere acquaintances... more than just friends even.

And now... desire comes into play....

I can't help myself sometimes... i have to mentally slap my wrist away from touching him sometimes... and slap my hand from calling him... and slap my brain from thinking about him...

I just watched a picture of the two of us hugging... I stared at it straight for like 5 minutes, and drifted off into that moment. I could've felt his arms around me... we almost look like we're clutching for dear life. Hmm... In all honestly, i like being held by him.

I've already said "screw it" and live in the moment... right now, i'm happy. While i may not leave this picture unscathed... i'm a tough girl... i'll heal my battle scars quickly ... Besides... I'll have the memory that i was happy, and i lived through happy moments to be played back as memories... for however long or short, that may very well be...

Won't you smile alot for me...? Just... smile...

*********

Here's the catch... he has a girlfriend. Practically engaged.

Yea... hmmm... but that doesn't stop me from... wanting him...
...so ... desperately

-I keep giving in... and i should know better... but there is something about the way you look at me... its strange how things change... but....

*sigh*